wtf (originally written 2011?)

Okay, so here's July & I haven't really done anything this year that I had intended when the year started. Six months in & I am in exactly the same place I was last year. Same job that sucks away my time/life/creativity. Same lack of physical exercise. Same lack of mental stimulation. Same time wasting, soul leeching activities. Same relationship problems. Same lack of time spent on what I really want to do. Nary more than one blog post this year. No Spanish language course.

Okay, maybe some things have changed for the better; I did pay off my credit card debt this year (only to charge a few things back on, of course. Ironic?) I did finally purchase my MacBook (hence the new credit card debt -but a great deal, not to be passed). I am having the downstairs bathroom finished -& mostly to my specifications. But not much more happening than that.

I am in a rut. A repetitive, reactive rut.

What's new, pussycat? (originally written 2012)

I've started a journey -long overdue- on a new career path. Cosmetology. That's right. At 44, I've decided to finally pursue a career that I've wanted since as long as I can remember. What stopped me, you ask? Probably no one or nothing to blame but myself. You know that old Eagles lyric, "So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains. And we never even know we have the key." Yeah, that's me all over. Constantly finding myself trapped in cages of my own devising. Well, here's step one.  I'm in my second "cluster" (aka semester).  ONLY two more to go. 


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thinks to share; braincells to resuscitate

Well what the heck? I've been away for much longer than I had planned. Years. Literally. Facebook, I blame it all on Facebook. It's a guilty pleasure; a way to keep in touch with family & friends; a meeting place for new friends; meetings of like minds; pots of controversy that stir up anxiety; discussions -sometimes even with no trolls; sharing of info; waster of time; an addiction. It's also become a lazy person's method of "writing" -if mini blurbs about random topics can be called writing. I like it more than Twitter. In fact, Twitter I like about as much as I do Vines. My kids love Vines. Ask them how much I enjoy Vines. They'll tell you not at all. Seven second videos fuel some kind of rampant attention deficit in our younger generation. I find them annoying at best. ~Every~so often there might be a gem. But holy cow, it's like finding a needle in a haystack. Who has time for that? Twitter is the same. How many words and spaces can I fit into a 140 character thought? Forget punctuation. No thanks. Facebook, on the other hand, I can write as much or as little as I want. I don't have to use acronyms to make use of a small space. I can use punctuation. But usually it's just a small thought about something I read online -a blog post, or more likely, a news article of some sort. Maybe a meme about a current event. Maybe it's something that happened in my family -a brag, a whine, a picture. But the way Facebook is now run, it changes my feed constantly. As in, if I refresh, what I see in my newsfeed looks brand new or nearly so. And so I've become like the proverbial rat in the experimental cage that pushes the bar for a treat -a new drug. Continuously. Constantly. Checking & rechecking the newsfeed. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. It's finally come full circle, though. I think. I hope. I'm bored with Facebook. It's the same old shit. Same old complaints from particular people about the president. Or the same old memes, regurgitated from 3 years ago. Or news stories about missing children that nobody bothers to fact check if the child has been found but gets reposted anyway. Even though it happened months or years ago, and the child, indeed, has been found. The same old jokes. The same old politics. The same old high school mentality. If I could filter out all that crap & just get personal updates from friends & family, I so would.

And so, here I am. I would shut down my Facebook page but it's really the only way to share what's happening in my life with the people. UNLESS. Unless I can transition back to blogging. I can post here & direct friends & family to this page. It might even be a little more personal. Definitely it'll weed out the drive by comments & "likes". That might take some getting used to, not getting those little ego strokes. But at least I'll know that if someone truly wants to know about whats happening in my life, they'll have taken an extra step more that clicking the "like" button. 

Yeah, my other concern about using Facebook as my sole means of communication online, I seriously felt my brain cells withering away. Seriously. It was like even my actual thoughts were becoming blurbs. I was forgetting to use grammar, spelling, punctuation. And maybe that really doesn't matter in the bigger scope of things. But these other, faster, "concise" methods of online communication really are lazy. There's no challenge in typing a 20 word -or less- comment. I need more stimulation than that. Vines are 7 second videos; Twitter is the written equivalent; Facebook is the 20 second cousin. The fact of the matter is, I miss communicating in full, coherent paragraphs. I have thinks to convey. Loads of thinks. Thinks to get off my chest. Thinks to share. Thinks longer than 3 sentences.

So there might be a learning curve here. I've been away from regular blogging for so long that I've forgotten everything I know about HTML. I'm sure there's a new interface here on Blogger that I'll have to learn. I won't be able to make up for lost time; there's been way too much happening to be able to tell you about everythink. But I can start today. And I can come back tomorrow. And the day after, etc etc etc. And I can wean myself off of Facebook. At least that's the hope.

What can we say? We love color!

Fi & I (& later Lib joined the party) decided to sort our polishes by color instead of brand. Hope this helps avoid future dupes.

Back in the saddle

New(used)computer!! An old emac G4. Why didn't I think of this before?! A bargain for $149+. To think, I've been away from blogging for so long that probably nobody even checks to see if I've updated -because I haven't. And for what? Because my laptop & the PC were useless? Because I thought I had to save my pennies for a "Mac"? Well, got the Mac & I'm back online without cutting off an arm. I'm pretty stoked! On another high note, I'm actually blogging from my new (not used) iPhone 3GS!! It's almost as good as using a laptop!  Did you miss me? I missed you! Aaaaah...it's good to be back.

a temporary fix

Well, after my promises to post more frequently, what happened??! My computer crashed. Kind of. Sometimes it works. But too frustrating to bother trying at this point. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of uploading the xmas pictures & didn't have a chance to move them to a memory stick. Grrrr. Guess I can open up the back & check out the insides before I call someone in to repair. I got a good 2 years out of a $200 laptop -hours of daily use. Not too bad, really, considering. And no, we didn't get the extended warranty: It cost more than the laptop itself.

Garrett got his bonus a couple weeks ago & bought a laptop for himself. So, here I am.

What's new? I went back to work 2 weeks ago. I was spurred on by the need to pay off the year of debt that was accumulated while I wasn't working. And a desire to save moola for a laptop of my own choosing (mac). And, truth be known, to get my ass off the couch & get some exercise. And adult conversation. And, well, the reasons are myriad. So far, so good. I'm really enjoying it.

Oh, here's a tip: another reason I've been MIA & now I'm back? I blame it on the drugs. Seriously. Gah. Is there no happy medium? I mean, c'mon, are they not called "happy pills". It's so freaking bizarre, that distinct difference in creativity (or lack thereof) when I'm on them as opposed to when I'm not. Which is it now, can you tell? I'm sure my family could tell you the answer.

It's almost 6am. Time to make the doughnuts.

I'm right here!

So my computer crashed, so to speak, on Saturday. Trouble's been brewing for a couple weeks. You know, slow to start, slow to connect kind of stuff. Then last week it wouldn't start at all. I deleted a bunch of stuff in the hopes of freeing up some space. Apparently I need to do a bit more cleaning than that. Luckily I already removed all my pictures -EXCEPT my San Fran pics. I was panicky at first, thinking that those 700 pictures were a goner. Late last night I remembered that I had uploaded all those pics to Flickr. Whew! So really, the only "important" things I have on my computer are knitting pattern PDFs that I haven't printed out yet. And a couple vids of the littles. Dang it, I used to be pretty good at troubleshooting and fixing my computer. I was teaching myself HTML. I haven't messed around with computer details in so long, I feel really out of the loop. Kind of out of sight, out of mind. Out of practice. Whatever. I suppose I've been spoiled by having a new computer the last couple years. And by Blogger going to the user friendly blog building interface. I suppose it's time I got back in the loop & did my research about recovering this particular laptop. Wish me luck!!

love/hate relationship pt 4

So in November the headaches were so bad that, even though I wasn't necessarily sleepy or tired, I had lie down & keep my eyes closed in defense from the pain -on a nearly daily basis. Blech. And then I had to take Tylenol PM periodically to escape the pain to get to sleep at night. Yeah, not a fun month.

Sooooooo, here's what I did: I purposefully quit taking the Prozac just to see what would happen. I wanted to be more cognizant of how & when it affects my body & to therefore have more of a handle on the situation. And all the better to gauge if I want to continue with this particular treatment -tease out the difference in strength between those pros & cons that I mentioned earlier.

I didn't keep a physical diary, but I do know that I felt fine for a week or so. Then slowly my mood slipped lower & lower; I could feel my ire over stupid little things rising. The bitch was back, so to speak. And I wanted to stay inside, preferably in bed, crying. BUT at the same time, the headaches were gone. And I started to feel the urge to "create" (Ta da!)

Being mindful of my experiment, I refilled my script & proceeded to surmise the effects of taking the meds. So far I've been pretty darn sleepy, getting more chill daily, and almost immediately, the headaches to beat all came back. Just as I suspected. What to do, what to do?

love/hate relationship pt 3

Hmmm, so that's the "love" part of the relationship. I get that even keel, chill attitude, pretty much all day, every day. And that's good for everyone, right? I'd agree, except here's the "hate" part of the relationship.

At the outset of taking this drug, I'm beat. All the time, tired & yawning & eyes tearing. I want to just sleep for inordinate amounts of time. It's not even so much "want" as "can't keep my eyes open". Thankfully I'm not working right now, or I'd be falling asleep at work. Yes, I would. I'd compare it to a mild form of narcolepsy, except I don't just fall asleep randomly. But I could fall asleep at will. Now, for someone like me who often finds herself wide awake with insomnia for days on end, this should sound heavenly. And I guess it could be. But I have things to do, people to see, places to go, so sleeping all day puts a damper on accomplishing anything for about the first week or so. At some time in the 2nd or 3rd week, I start to feel "normal", & by that, this time, I mean "not sleepy all the time".

Another aspect of the "hate" side of things: Prozac kills every ounce of creativity in me. I don't want to write. I don't want to sew. I don't want to paint. I don't want to read. I don't want to cook -as in create my own recipes. I don't want to snap pictures. I don't want to blog -hence the 3 month hiatus, see? I don't mind knitting, but I think that's because it's so meditative & really takes no extraordinary thought process. And if you know me, you know I HATE not being able to express myself creatively.

So then, I get no highs, no lows, no creative juices flowing. And no sex. That's correct. Absolutely no interest in it whatsoever. And I'm a Scorpio, for crying out loud! It's a sad state. Gah!

I feel like there's something else that I'm missing here. But really, those are probably the most important pros & cons. Oh, I remember now. Headaches. I get serious headaches recently & I'm attributing that to the meds. More on that later.

Truth be told, Prozac makes for a kind of boring existence. Honestly, boring. After a while I miss being able to be really giddy, happy. Or even to be good & pissed off when necessary. Instead, everything is a-okay. Not a bad attitude to have & actually, as I said before, more like how I used to be. It's a relief to not feel "out of control", but really, am I "in control"??

TBC

love/hate relationship pt 2

So here's been the usual routine: I take my meds faithfully...until I feel absolutely "normal". And what exactly is "normal"? Is normal for me the way I am WITHOUT the little white capsule? Or is the definition of normal that socially acceptable persona who is patient & kind. FYI, that's kind of, really, the way I USED to be, before 6 or 7 years ago. I once heard this quote, "Depression is rage turned against oneself" & thought it was appropriate.

But on the flip side, is it true that "Rage is depression turned against everyone else"? In my case, yes, yes it is. My kids even have named that alter ego "mean mommy". Yes, seriously. Without that darn mood stabilizer, I am a bitter, screaming, irritated, raging, throwing, slamming bitch. Mean mommy. As in, "Oh no. It's mean mommy. Let's go play in our room." Hearing that really made me wake up to the realization that without Prozac, I was turning into a carnate version of Mommy Dearest. Thankful for the grace of God, I did not purposefully or inadvertently lay a hand on my sweet girls during these bouts of temporary insanity. I just kind of stewed inwardly, muttering under my breath, until, like a whirling dervish of over-energized fury, I spewed all manner of mean, angry words as I stomped through the house performing some semblance of housekeeping; i.e. throwing some item in the general direction of it's home, slamming doors & cupboards, etc, etc, etc. Eventually I would end up in crumpled pile of overwhelming sadness & disgust & shame, bawling in the bathroom-bedroom-behind-some-closed-door. Spent, I resurface to face the world & the girls come out of hiding, asking if I'm okay. Yep. Temporary insanity, I tell you. Or at least that's how it feels.

So, I take the meds religiously until I feel chill on a 24/7 basis. This takes about 2 - 3 months to achieve. And then I forget that I need to take them to feel chill. Or I feel so chill that I think "Hey! I've beat it! I'm normal! I don't need no stinking pills!" (Like the time I fell asleep with my contacts in, woke up with perfect vision & thought "It's a miracle! I'm cured!" LOL!) So I stop ingesting the prescribed dosage or I forget to renew the prescription. Eventually, inevitably, the chemicals from the Prozac that have been built up in my brain fade away & I cycle back into "can't get out of bed-can't leave the house-endlessly crying-barely caring for self-contemplating my demise & subsequent effects on those around me". After that spell, "mean mommy" returns. And so it goes.

TBC