why oh why oh why do things happen "for a reason". How to "reason" that Linda's stroke is "purposeful" and not just random. What kind of "lesson" is to be learned here? How is this lesson helpful for Linda? How is a person's physical pain & suffering any kind of "God only gives you what you can handle" crap? I went to the hospital again last night (it's been my ritual, after work visit). Linda is off the respirator & on lower dosage of sedation. So she was awake periodically. And I have to say, selfishly, that it was alot easier to pretend she was just sleeping when I visited the other times. Last night I had to liken her wakeful behavior to that of inebriation. It's hard to see, hard to be there, to talk to her. It's easier to pretend she's drunk than to actually think about the converse truth; that she's had a freaking massive stroke & she won't ever be exactly who she was before. How is it "that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"? WTF??? How is this better than death? How is this going to make Linda a stronger person? WTF.
I've been here before. It's like deja vu. My great aunt Dee Dee had a stroke when I was about 11 or 12. But she was old -elderly. It was difficult then to deal with. The lack of communication, the lack of self-sufficiency. The look in her eyes that she was STILL there, but trapped inside her head; that she wanted to talk, to move, to do, but she couldn't.
And now my friend has come to this same fate, but she's so much younger. So much the more reason to question the "purpose" behind this happening.
Again, I'm at a loss for words.
1 comment:
I feel ya Cindy, I feel ya.
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