Well, after my promises to post more frequently, what happened??! My computer crashed. Kind of. Sometimes it works. But too frustrating to bother trying at this point. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of uploading the xmas pictures & didn't have a chance to move them to a memory stick. Grrrr. Guess I can open up the back & check out the insides before I call someone in to repair. I got a good 2 years out of a $200 laptop -hours of daily use. Not too bad, really, considering. And no, we didn't get the extended warranty: It cost more than the laptop itself.
Garrett got his bonus a couple weeks ago & bought a laptop for himself. So, here I am.
What's new? I went back to work 2 weeks ago. I was spurred on by the need to pay off the year of debt that was accumulated while I wasn't working. And a desire to save moola for a laptop of my own choosing (mac). And, truth be known, to get my ass off the couch & get some exercise. And adult conversation. And, well, the reasons are myriad. So far, so good. I'm really enjoying it.
Oh, here's a tip: another reason I've been MIA & now I'm back? I blame it on the drugs. Seriously. Gah. Is there no happy medium? I mean, c'mon, are they not called "happy pills". It's so freaking bizarre, that distinct difference in creativity (or lack thereof) when I'm on them as opposed to when I'm not. Which is it now, can you tell? I'm sure my family could tell you the answer.
It's almost 6am. Time to make the doughnuts.
26 February 2010
26 January 2010
I'm right here!
So my computer crashed, so to speak, on Saturday. Trouble's been brewing for a couple weeks. You know, slow to start, slow to connect kind of stuff. Then last week it wouldn't start at all. I deleted a bunch of stuff in the hopes of freeing up some space. Apparently I need to do a bit more cleaning than that. Luckily I already removed all my pictures -EXCEPT my San Fran pics. I was panicky at first, thinking that those 700 pictures were a goner. Late last night I remembered that I had uploaded all those pics to Flickr. Whew! So really, the only "important" things I have on my computer are knitting pattern PDFs that I haven't printed out yet. And a couple vids of the littles. Dang it, I used to be pretty good at troubleshooting and fixing my computer. I was teaching myself HTML. I haven't messed around with computer details in so long, I feel really out of the loop. Kind of out of sight, out of mind. Out of practice. Whatever. I suppose I've been spoiled by having a new computer the last couple years. And by Blogger going to the user friendly blog building interface. I suppose it's time I got back in the loop & did my research about recovering this particular laptop. Wish me luck!!
19 January 2010
love/hate relationship pt 4
So in November the headaches were so bad that, even though I wasn't necessarily sleepy or tired, I had lie down & keep my eyes closed in defense from the pain -on a nearly daily basis. Blech. And then I had to take Tylenol PM periodically to escape the pain to get to sleep at night. Yeah, not a fun month.
Sooooooo, here's what I did: I purposefully quit taking the Prozac just to see what would happen. I wanted to be more cognizant of how & when it affects my body & to therefore have more of a handle on the situation. And all the better to gauge if I want to continue with this particular treatment -tease out the difference in strength between those pros & cons that I mentioned earlier.
I didn't keep a physical diary, but I do know that I felt fine for a week or so. Then slowly my mood slipped lower & lower; I could feel my ire over stupid little things rising. The bitch was back, so to speak. And I wanted to stay inside, preferably in bed, crying. BUT at the same time, the headaches were gone. And I started to feel the urge to "create" (Ta da!)
Being mindful of my experiment, I refilled my script & proceeded to surmise the effects of taking the meds. So far I've been pretty darn sleepy, getting more chill daily, and almost immediately, the headaches to beat all came back. Just as I suspected. What to do, what to do?
Sooooooo, here's what I did: I purposefully quit taking the Prozac just to see what would happen. I wanted to be more cognizant of how & when it affects my body & to therefore have more of a handle on the situation. And all the better to gauge if I want to continue with this particular treatment -tease out the difference in strength between those pros & cons that I mentioned earlier.
I didn't keep a physical diary, but I do know that I felt fine for a week or so. Then slowly my mood slipped lower & lower; I could feel my ire over stupid little things rising. The bitch was back, so to speak. And I wanted to stay inside, preferably in bed, crying. BUT at the same time, the headaches were gone. And I started to feel the urge to "create" (Ta da!)
Being mindful of my experiment, I refilled my script & proceeded to surmise the effects of taking the meds. So far I've been pretty darn sleepy, getting more chill daily, and almost immediately, the headaches to beat all came back. Just as I suspected. What to do, what to do?
18 January 2010
love/hate relationship pt 3
Hmmm, so that's the "love" part of the relationship. I get that even keel, chill attitude, pretty much all day, every day. And that's good for everyone, right? I'd agree, except here's the "hate" part of the relationship.
At the outset of taking this drug, I'm beat. All the time, tired & yawning & eyes tearing. I want to just sleep for inordinate amounts of time. It's not even so much "want" as "can't keep my eyes open". Thankfully I'm not working right now, or I'd be falling asleep at work. Yes, I would. I'd compare it to a mild form of narcolepsy, except I don't just fall asleep randomly. But I could fall asleep at will. Now, for someone like me who often finds herself wide awake with insomnia for days on end, this should sound heavenly. And I guess it could be. But I have things to do, people to see, places to go, so sleeping all day puts a damper on accomplishing anything for about the first week or so. At some time in the 2nd or 3rd week, I start to feel "normal", & by that, this time, I mean "not sleepy all the time".
Another aspect of the "hate" side of things: Prozac kills every ounce of creativity in me. I don't want to write. I don't want to sew. I don't want to paint. I don't want to read. I don't want to cook -as in create my own recipes. I don't want to snap pictures. I don't want to blog -hence the 3 month hiatus, see? I don't mind knitting, but I think that's because it's so meditative & really takes no extraordinary thought process. And if you know me, you know I HATE not being able to express myself creatively.
So then, I get no highs, no lows, no creative juices flowing. And no sex. That's correct. Absolutely no interest in it whatsoever. And I'm a Scorpio, for crying out loud! It's a sad state. Gah!
I feel like there's something else that I'm missing here. But really, those are probably the most important pros & cons. Oh, I remember now. Headaches. I get serious headaches recently & I'm attributing that to the meds. More on that later.
Truth be told, Prozac makes for a kind of boring existence. Honestly, boring. After a while I miss being able to be really giddy, happy. Or even to be good & pissed off when necessary. Instead, everything is a-okay. Not a bad attitude to have & actually, as I said before, more like how I used to be. It's a relief to not feel "out of control", but really, am I "in control"??
TBC
At the outset of taking this drug, I'm beat. All the time, tired & yawning & eyes tearing. I want to just sleep for inordinate amounts of time. It's not even so much "want" as "can't keep my eyes open". Thankfully I'm not working right now, or I'd be falling asleep at work. Yes, I would. I'd compare it to a mild form of narcolepsy, except I don't just fall asleep randomly. But I could fall asleep at will. Now, for someone like me who often finds herself wide awake with insomnia for days on end, this should sound heavenly. And I guess it could be. But I have things to do, people to see, places to go, so sleeping all day puts a damper on accomplishing anything for about the first week or so. At some time in the 2nd or 3rd week, I start to feel "normal", & by that, this time, I mean "not sleepy all the time".
Another aspect of the "hate" side of things: Prozac kills every ounce of creativity in me. I don't want to write. I don't want to sew. I don't want to paint. I don't want to read. I don't want to cook -as in create my own recipes. I don't want to snap pictures. I don't want to blog -hence the 3 month hiatus, see? I don't mind knitting, but I think that's because it's so meditative & really takes no extraordinary thought process. And if you know me, you know I HATE not being able to express myself creatively.
So then, I get no highs, no lows, no creative juices flowing. And no sex. That's correct. Absolutely no interest in it whatsoever. And I'm a Scorpio, for crying out loud! It's a sad state. Gah!
I feel like there's something else that I'm missing here. But really, those are probably the most important pros & cons. Oh, I remember now. Headaches. I get serious headaches recently & I'm attributing that to the meds. More on that later.
Truth be told, Prozac makes for a kind of boring existence. Honestly, boring. After a while I miss being able to be really giddy, happy. Or even to be good & pissed off when necessary. Instead, everything is a-okay. Not a bad attitude to have & actually, as I said before, more like how I used to be. It's a relief to not feel "out of control", but really, am I "in control"??
TBC
17 January 2010
love/hate relationship pt 2
So here's been the usual routine: I take my meds faithfully...until I feel absolutely "normal". And what exactly is "normal"? Is normal for me the way I am WITHOUT the little white capsule? Or is the definition of normal that socially acceptable persona who is patient & kind. FYI, that's kind of, really, the way I USED to be, before 6 or 7 years ago. I once heard this quote, "Depression is rage turned against oneself" & thought it was appropriate.
But on the flip side, is it true that "Rage is depression turned against everyone else"? In my case, yes, yes it is. My kids even have named that alter ego "mean mommy". Yes, seriously. Without that darn mood stabilizer, I am a bitter, screaming, irritated, raging, throwing, slamming bitch. Mean mommy. As in, "Oh no. It's mean mommy. Let's go play in our room." Hearing that really made me wake up to the realization that without Prozac, I was turning into a carnate version of Mommy Dearest. Thankful for the grace of God, I did not purposefully or inadvertently lay a hand on my sweet girls during these bouts of temporary insanity. I just kind of stewed inwardly, muttering under my breath, until, like a whirling dervish of over-energized fury, I spewed all manner of mean, angry words as I stomped through the house performing some semblance of housekeeping; i.e. throwing some item in the general direction of it's home, slamming doors & cupboards, etc, etc, etc. Eventually I would end up in crumpled pile of overwhelming sadness & disgust & shame, bawling in the bathroom-bedroom-behind-some-closed-door. Spent, I resurface to face the world & the girls come out of hiding, asking if I'm okay. Yep. Temporary insanity, I tell you. Or at least that's how it feels.
So, I take the meds religiously until I feel chill on a 24/7 basis. This takes about 2 - 3 months to achieve. And then I forget that I need to take them to feel chill. Or I feel so chill that I think "Hey! I've beat it! I'm normal! I don't need no stinking pills!" (Like the time I fell asleep with my contacts in, woke up with perfect vision & thought "It's a miracle! I'm cured!" LOL!) So I stop ingesting the prescribed dosage or I forget to renew the prescription. Eventually, inevitably, the chemicals from the Prozac that have been built up in my brain fade away & I cycle back into "can't get out of bed-can't leave the house-endlessly crying-barely caring for self-contemplating my demise & subsequent effects on those around me". After that spell, "mean mommy" returns. And so it goes.
TBC
But on the flip side, is it true that "Rage is depression turned against everyone else"? In my case, yes, yes it is. My kids even have named that alter ego "mean mommy". Yes, seriously. Without that darn mood stabilizer, I am a bitter, screaming, irritated, raging, throwing, slamming bitch. Mean mommy. As in, "Oh no. It's mean mommy. Let's go play in our room." Hearing that really made me wake up to the realization that without Prozac, I was turning into a carnate version of Mommy Dearest. Thankful for the grace of God, I did not purposefully or inadvertently lay a hand on my sweet girls during these bouts of temporary insanity. I just kind of stewed inwardly, muttering under my breath, until, like a whirling dervish of over-energized fury, I spewed all manner of mean, angry words as I stomped through the house performing some semblance of housekeeping; i.e. throwing some item in the general direction of it's home, slamming doors & cupboards, etc, etc, etc. Eventually I would end up in crumpled pile of overwhelming sadness & disgust & shame, bawling in the bathroom-bedroom-behind-some-closed-door. Spent, I resurface to face the world & the girls come out of hiding, asking if I'm okay. Yep. Temporary insanity, I tell you. Or at least that's how it feels.
So, I take the meds religiously until I feel chill on a 24/7 basis. This takes about 2 - 3 months to achieve. And then I forget that I need to take them to feel chill. Or I feel so chill that I think "Hey! I've beat it! I'm normal! I don't need no stinking pills!" (Like the time I fell asleep with my contacts in, woke up with perfect vision & thought "It's a miracle! I'm cured!" LOL!) So I stop ingesting the prescribed dosage or I forget to renew the prescription. Eventually, inevitably, the chemicals from the Prozac that have been built up in my brain fade away & I cycle back into "can't get out of bed-can't leave the house-endlessly crying-barely caring for self-contemplating my demise & subsequent effects on those around me". After that spell, "mean mommy" returns. And so it goes.
TBC
16 January 2010
movies
Here's something I used to post about. Used to. Why did I stop? No clue. Let's give it another go.
Madster & I viewed this "horror" flick last night. Maddie's been working on her "ability" to watch scary movies. You know, getting used to being frightened temporarily without being afraid after the movie is over. I figured this would be an appropriate flick towards that goal. I was not disappointed.
Typical Sam Raimi. You know, over the top "horror" & special effects. Not brilliant special effects, mind you, just over the top. By that I mean the kind of effects that make one squirm & squeal & laugh out loud all in the same shot. Not overly scary, but some good sequences that made us jump. Maddie still covers her eyes & plugs her ears when she thinks something really bad is going to happen onscreen. It took until about halfway through the movie for her to realize that this movie wasn't all that "bad".
Also plenty of those "something" following the main character shots reminiscent of "The Evil Dead" but perhaps perfected in this version. And one scene in particular looked higher quality than the rest of the movie -the money shot, shall I say?
Side notes: Justin Long was too good for this role. And the ending was NOT what I expected. At all.
If you don't "get" Sam Raimi's work, skip this one too -unless you can watch it with an open mind & not expecting to be "scared sh*tless". But if you do enjoy his other work, you won't be disappointed here.
Madster & I viewed this "horror" flick last night. Maddie's been working on her "ability" to watch scary movies. You know, getting used to being frightened temporarily without being afraid after the movie is over. I figured this would be an appropriate flick towards that goal. I was not disappointed.
Typical Sam Raimi. You know, over the top "horror" & special effects. Not brilliant special effects, mind you, just over the top. By that I mean the kind of effects that make one squirm & squeal & laugh out loud all in the same shot. Not overly scary, but some good sequences that made us jump. Maddie still covers her eyes & plugs her ears when she thinks something really bad is going to happen onscreen. It took until about halfway through the movie for her to realize that this movie wasn't all that "bad".
Also plenty of those "something" following the main character shots reminiscent of "The Evil Dead" but perhaps perfected in this version. And one scene in particular looked higher quality than the rest of the movie -the money shot, shall I say?
Side notes: Justin Long was too good for this role. And the ending was NOT what I expected. At all.
If you don't "get" Sam Raimi's work, skip this one too -unless you can watch it with an open mind & not expecting to be "scared sh*tless". But if you do enjoy his other work, you won't be disappointed here.
ch-ch-ch-changes
there, just a few to start. And I combined my old blog with this one because, well, what a waste to not use it anymore. Some stuffs I had completely forgotten about! And you too, I bet; or maybe other (older) aspects of my life that a new reader wouldn't even know about! It's refreshing to see that I have over 1500 posts in 5 years. Sadly, only 82 were from last year. That too has passed. Hmmm, should I go for the daily post goal?
it's a love/hate relationship pt 1
between me & prozac, that is. I find it to be a necessary evil. I've posted before -at least I think I have- about how I've had depressive symptoms pretty much all my life. Hereditary, I think, since I have a maternal aunt & a paternal uncle (& who knows who else, because it's just not talked about) who are so "afflicted". Anywho, I finally bit the bullet a few years ago after I had Lib & post partum depression was unbearable. After a couple weeks of incessant crying & ruminating on my life (or possible lack thereof), I called my doc & begged for some kind of relief. Fluoxetine was her answer. And a therapist -which has been an on again/off again experiment.
Needless to say, breastfeeding Lib was out. I felt like I was letting her down, but hey, at least she still had a mom in her life to bottle feed her. Those little white capsules were a lifesaver thrown to a drowning woman -and for her family.
TBC
Needless to say, breastfeeding Lib was out. I felt like I was letting her down, but hey, at least she still had a mom in her life to bottle feed her. Those little white capsules were a lifesaver thrown to a drowning woman -and for her family.
TBC
15 January 2010
heard ya missed me; I'm baaaaack!
Well, not exactly so much today. Just in general. I'm still here, just haven't been so motivated to write lately...or the last 3 months. And that's a story for a longer post. Thinking of re-doing the layout, etc. Maybe altering the focus for a temporary kick. Yeah, that kind of stuff. Yep. I'm back for sure. Truth be told, I didn't think very many people actually read this, since I don't get many comments & no one even commented that I had been away. Then Nikki voiced some sarcastic 21 year old comment about the link to my blog in my Facebook page. And I watched "Julie & Julia" last night. Inspirational for blogging, no? Check back tomorrow for some revisions. & pictures. I have pictures. You tell me if the girls have changed since I last posted pics of them on here. I have videos too. Well then, I'm off to the the girls' school for my Friday afternoon volunteering stint. Then gymnastics for the littles. BBL :)
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