love/hate relationship pt 2

So here's been the usual routine: I take my meds faithfully...until I feel absolutely "normal". And what exactly is "normal"? Is normal for me the way I am WITHOUT the little white capsule? Or is the definition of normal that socially acceptable persona who is patient & kind. FYI, that's kind of, really, the way I USED to be, before 6 or 7 years ago. I once heard this quote, "Depression is rage turned against oneself" & thought it was appropriate.

But on the flip side, is it true that "Rage is depression turned against everyone else"? In my case, yes, yes it is. My kids even have named that alter ego "mean mommy". Yes, seriously. Without that darn mood stabilizer, I am a bitter, screaming, irritated, raging, throwing, slamming bitch. Mean mommy. As in, "Oh no. It's mean mommy. Let's go play in our room." Hearing that really made me wake up to the realization that without Prozac, I was turning into a carnate version of Mommy Dearest. Thankful for the grace of God, I did not purposefully or inadvertently lay a hand on my sweet girls during these bouts of temporary insanity. I just kind of stewed inwardly, muttering under my breath, until, like a whirling dervish of over-energized fury, I spewed all manner of mean, angry words as I stomped through the house performing some semblance of housekeeping; i.e. throwing some item in the general direction of it's home, slamming doors & cupboards, etc, etc, etc. Eventually I would end up in crumpled pile of overwhelming sadness & disgust & shame, bawling in the bathroom-bedroom-behind-some-closed-door. Spent, I resurface to face the world & the girls come out of hiding, asking if I'm okay. Yep. Temporary insanity, I tell you. Or at least that's how it feels.

So, I take the meds religiously until I feel chill on a 24/7 basis. This takes about 2 - 3 months to achieve. And then I forget that I need to take them to feel chill. Or I feel so chill that I think "Hey! I've beat it! I'm normal! I don't need no stinking pills!" (Like the time I fell asleep with my contacts in, woke up with perfect vision & thought "It's a miracle! I'm cured!" LOL!) So I stop ingesting the prescribed dosage or I forget to renew the prescription. Eventually, inevitably, the chemicals from the Prozac that have been built up in my brain fade away & I cycle back into "can't get out of bed-can't leave the house-endlessly crying-barely caring for self-contemplating my demise & subsequent effects on those around me". After that spell, "mean mommy" returns. And so it goes.

TBC