class reunion

so tomorrow is my 20 year class reunion. I'm sad that I can't be there. Granted there are only abt 15 people out of 83 who rsvp'd to participate. But it would have been fun to see some people who were good friends then. Best friends even. I have mixed feelings, though. I feel like I am not in the best shape that I would want to be to see those folks. Nor am I doing w/ my life what I feel is "successful". I'm just me. Not that anyone would judge me for that. I'm my own harshest critic.

I suppose what I'm doing is a far more challenging & meaningful endeavor than paid work could ever be. But there's something to be said for at least a sense of control over one's future that money affords. Geez, I'm so conflicted. What is that term in psychology? It eludes me just now. I know that materialism isn't spiritual, soulful. Hell it isn't even fulfilling. It's just this black hole that keeps sucking & sucking & sucking. The never ending need to feed. Which in turn leads to a never ending whirl on the hamster wheel. Got to keep the cogs turning. BUT materialism is, oh I don't know, fun? fashionable? addicting.

Hanging w/ my kids isn't all too fun. Definitely not addicting. I get no material gratification. My gratification comes in small doses throughout the day, week, years. Spiritually, I suppose its true that my 'reward' will be to see all of my children grow up to be successful in whatever they chose to do. Like, I'll know I've done a good job if none of my kids seeks therapy b/c of something I did or said hahaha.

But I can't buy a new dress w/ the hard work & long hours I put in everyday here. etc etc etc etc.

So the question becomes how do I convey to my kids that life isn't always what you plan? Or that success isn't all about money? without subconsciously pass on to them my own disappointments or feelings of failure.

I must be doing something right, though. DD1 has stated on many an occasion (e.g. her myspace site) that I'm her hero. That's really the nicest compliment I've ever gotten.

Oh and one very good reason to be actually glad to not be @ the reunion? It's friggin' freezing out in PA.