inspiration

I was dead tired last night b/c I had a Grey's Anatomy season one marathon on Saturday night w/ Nikki. So I hit the hay early. And slept through the night. I think I remember hearing Olivia wake slightly, but she got herself back to sleep w/o me; I was too wiped out to get out of bed. I awoke this morning with this one thought: "what can I do today to make my life better than it was yesterday".

Some of you may know that I have struggled w/ depression all my life...for as long as I can remember...even back into grade school. I dabble with the idea of going back on meds. But I continue looking for ways to deal with this without resorting to ingesting daily chemicals. So this morning when I had that waking inspiration, I decided it would be a good mantra for me to use for my life and maybe reminding myself of this mantra would help pull me through the rough patches. Maybe. 'Cause heaven knows I've tried everything. Once the downward spiral starts, it's so very difficult to climb back out of that pit. Yeah yeah, I know "this too shall pass" but that mantra doesn't even begin to address the pain that depression inflicts. You know, I just don't want to go there anymore. But b/c it's something to do with my brain chemicals & what not, it's difficult to circumvent without altering those same chemicals. However, meds not only eliminate the depression, they pretty much eliminate any extreme emotions. So there's no anger, no elation, nothing. It's like driving through Kansas or Nebraska. Blah. I'm just kind of there, the same me but even keel numb. And it's weird b/c I'm well aware of how I "should be" feeling (happy or angry or sad) but I just never can quite get there.

I'm thinking that this new mantra will help keep the monsters at bay before they even have a chance to attack. And I can have ALL of my emotions intact. Yeah, it's easy for me to write this now; we'll see what happens in reality.